This is not a happy-go-lucky New Year's Day email. If that’s what you’re looking for, you might want to wait for next week’s missive. It is kind of a success story, but right now the happy ending is pending.…
Kid Stories
Several years ago, when I was still relatively new to Dakota Boys and Girls Ranch, I was on our Minot Campus right before Christmas. Our on-site school was having a Christmas celebration before starting the holiday break. A local hospital had “adopted” our school kids, both residential and day students, for Christmas. Like a Giving Tree, they asked us for a list of ages, genders, gift ideas, and first names.…
“Shadow is dead.” I looked up and there was a 13-year-old girl standing in my office doorway. It was obvious that we were in the middle of a conversation I didn’t know we were having. I had to catch up. “I’m sorry. Who is Shadow?” I said as my mind was searching through cartoon characters, book characters, etc……
Each of us operates, at least with our first thoughts, within our own frame of reference. We interpret what we see and hear based on our experience, learning, values, and rationale. As we mature and learn more about the world and other perspectives, we create the ability to think beyond that initial reference point. My daughter, her husband, and their two children were driving to the park. From the back seat, their three-year-old asked, “Mommy, is that an obstacle course?” My daughter looked out the window. It was a cemetery.…
I didn’t want to be an astronaut. I grew up when almost every other child wanted to be an astronaut. We watched the first moon landing live on television. People were zipping around the Earth. I had a dog named Sputnik. But being an astronaut wasn’t on my dream list—The Apollo modules looked pretty tiny, and they fell into the ocean when they came back to earth. I don't like tight spaces and am not a good swimmer, so it didn't interest me!…
Dr. Louis Cozolino is a well-respected American psychologist with a list of degrees longer than my arm. The State University of New York, Harvard University, and UCLA all count him among their alumni. He is a professor at Pepperdine, a profile writer, and YouTube creator, and he runs a clinical and consulting practice. It is always reassuring to me when I share the perspective of a "big brain" person like Dr. Cozolino.…
In an earlier email, I wrote about sitting with Alice, a young girl at Dakota Boys and Girls Ranch, while trying to draw a bunny. I shared how, as she worked on her bunny and some artwork for her bedroom door, she talked about her life, including “the guy” who had sexually abused her.…
A couple of weeks ago, my husband and I were walking on a sidewalk that ran along a beachfront. We came across a stretch where roses were climbing their way up and over a fence. A middle-aged woman in a rain jacket was leaning on the fence and smelling a rose.…
When I was a child, Vacation Bible Experience (VBX) wasn't a thing in my hometown. Now I see placards and signs near every church I drive by, inviting children to spend a week with Jesus. We have VBX at Dakota Boys and Girls Ranch, too. For one week during the summer, our Spiritual Life Team, led by Chaplain Rick Jones, creates a themed environment where the children learn about Him, the Word, and all the important things —like love, compassion, mercy, kindness, and faith. Our kids are not required to attend, but most do.…
My husband and I were standing in line as we waited for the doors to a theater event to open. There was a woman of about my age in the line in front of us. As we stood there, a couple scooted around the edge of the line and nestled themselves into position about 20 feet ahead of us. It was obvious they weren’t joining anyone else. They just had chutzpah.…
“I’m not ready for that yet. I need to get a little stronger.” A 12-year-old girl said that to me, as we were visiting one day about the work she was doing in treatment at Dakota Boys and Girls Ranch. She had mentioned, as she was coloring, that she didn’t feel comfortable yet with male staff around… “because, you know, of sex stuff, abuse, I went through when I was little.”…
My mom and dad were farmers. My dad also had a creative side. He had the most amazing handwriting with flourishes and curls. He was an expert woodworker and a lovely storyteller. Spelling was not his forte, so he approached that, too, with great creativity. My mom was an exceptional cook, and loved the precision of following a recipe. She was a good farmer. She was great at math, spelling, and memorization. I remember her learning the capitals of countries in Africa along with me. She was not fiercely creative.…
Medical and psychiatric care is ongoing for children at the Ranch. So is education. In the summer, education at Dakota Memorial School, our on-site school, takes on a different structure. Part of the day is spent in SPARKS. SPARKS is run by our wellness team. These activities focus on life skills, extracurricular opportunities, social skills, and physical health. In short, it teaches children to play and work in healthy ways.…
My parents were children during the Great Depression of the 1930s. Like most people who grew up in those grueling times, they learned to save everything. I grew up washing bread bags (when we had the rare store-bought bread), folding tin foil, saving soap bar shreds to use for laundry… all of those things.…
A while back, I was having trouble sleeping. It went on for several nights. Anyone who lasts in a trauma-focused work environment will tell you that you need to implement personal protective measures to keep yourself healthy. The stories and pain you see and hear, whether at Dakota Boys and Girls Ranch, a hospital Emergency Room, a homeless shelter, or the bedside of a hospice patient, can eat at your faith in God and humanity.…
I know I write a lot about the complexity of the lives of the children who come to Dakota Boys and Girls Ranch. The stories are all true. These kids have endured so much. Sometimes, the simplicity of their needs is heartbreaking.…
What do you plan to get done today? Most of us set daily, mini-goals. On a regular day, mine might look something like this. Get up, shower, empty the dishwasher, switch around laundry, head to work, write emails, answer emails, write reports, resolve issues, write thank you notes, go to the gym, work out even though you don’t like to, drive home, make dinner, fold laundry, call my brother, do Wordle, clean the kitchen……
In an article about unsung heroes, I read about a woman named Caitlin Shetterly. She was early in her first pregnancy and was taking a flight from the West Coast to Maine. It wasn’t too long after the horrors of 911, and she was a nervous flyer. As they got ready for takeoff, she turned to the passenger sitting next to her and asked, “Do you ever get nervous?”…
Since preschool, Hunter struggled to regulate his emotions, follow directions, and thrive in school. On top of his academic and behavioral challenges, Hunter's family life was rocky. An emotionally abusive dad made his hurdles feel all the more impossible to overcome.…
The last time I saw Sam he was a 15-year-old boy with heavy, black framed glasses wearing an ill-fitting suit. He had on an old-fashioned necktie with a big knot and dress shoes that were too big. He solemnly shook my hand and said, “I’m going to do good, Joy.” I got kind of teary and told him I truly believed he could. Then he left.…
“HE IS RISEN!!” That’s what Chaplain Rick Jones yells as he runs through the Chapel at Dakota Boys and Girls Ranch before the Easter Service begins. There is no mistaking that this is about the Resurrection. This is a celebration of Christ conquering sin and death and opening the door for us all to have a new life in Him.…
In working with children recovering from trauma, it is so important to celebrate every win! When children have been broken, they have a difficult time recognizing when they are doing well. Every time someone points out a strength or a good decision, it fills, bit by bit, the holes that abuse and neglect left in their soul.…
Sam made quite an impression on me when I met him. I was just months into my time at the Ranch when I traveled from Fargo to Minot for our annual plant sale. I met him in the greenhouse where I was helping get ready for the sale.…
Unfortunately, the children at Dakota Boys and Girls Ranch have to learn to live in the "real world." These kids have been abused, neglected, and traumatized. Their world has been an aberration of the real world. Most children are not hit on a daily basis, or raped, or go hungry for days on end. Most children run into bumps and scratches and icky situations, but they aren’t constantly, unremittingly, abused.…
DBT/SPARCS is the therapeutic foundation on which we base the services we provide to children at the Ranch. While I believe we overdo acronyms in the United States and especially in the behavioral health field, this is an acronym I can support since saying DBT/SPARCS instead of “Dialectical Behavior Therapy/Structured Psychotherapy for Adolescents Responding to Chronic Stress,” saves us all a lot of time.…